Moving Forward.

Beginning this has been a terrifying, exciting, hopeless thought of mine for many years. Somehow we all need an outlet through the chaos of life, and writing is mine. When trying to think of a topic to start off with, I went through endless ideas. However still came to no conclusive decision. It would have been easier and much more satisfying to run out into the middle of a field and scream at the top of my lungs. Still without settling on a topic, I begin. I suppose this will surround truth and honesty. A truth within myself I have yet to truly admit too, an honesty about my circumstances I spend the majority of my time hiding from the world. Not that I am embarrassed in any way but more of a fear that the truth and the realization of who I am and where I have been will break me.
Some how along this 27 year journey I have found myself in some wonderful circumstances and some truly miserable ones. This is a personal goal to understand where I have been and why I have allowed myself to be in certain circumstances. Although the truth is, I may never know. This may be a life long journey I endure with no successful outcome. Dark, lonely nights have left me with a hopelessness and a strength I never knew lived within. But I've learnt somehow, the hopelessness gives me strength and the strength leaves me hopeless. It's a terrifying, determined circle I run within my own mind every moment. I find peace within the confusion, partially because it's all I've ever known. Largely because the definition of understanding makes little to no sense. As soon as we find ourselves understanding, we find ourselves with more questions then we've answered. We have all been there. That never ending desperate question why? Why are we here? Why does life have to be so excruciatingly difficult? Why have I allowed this to happen? Some settle on the easiest response, a response which allows us to hide from what was and is our responsibility.  God has set this path in front of me, it was meant to be. I however can not settle on such a simplified response. Yes god has laid the paths in front of me, but where I took them and what I chose to do along the way, solely was my own doing.
I find it's to late to make apologies to myself or try to glue the pieces back together. All I am left with now is the opportunity and the hope to re build. Somehow I hope with in the revelation I can leave the pain, the misery, and previous expectations behind and start anew. Somewhere along the lines I lost not only myself but my soul. My heart has remained, as broken and torn as it may be. How I am unsure. It's still there, still beating, still keeping me going through all of life's trials. As I recall my life, and some of the utterly disturbing and painful parts of it, especially the abuse I put myself through, and allowed others to place upon me, I am infuriated with myself. I hurt, I cry for my children, my family, friends, and myself. For the disappointment, for breaking expectations and talents I simply let go by the way side. Angry that I have allowed myself to believe that all good things will come to an end, and happiness would never become a part of who I am again. Maybe never was. How could I have made so many wrong turns. How could I have never allowed myself to reach my potential as a person. The frustration and the agony of letting those down in my life, open the flood gates of my heart to a whole other world of tragedy. Somehow through this storm of negative, I will come to a place of peace. I will find contentment within myself at least. If there is anything I owe myself, it is that. Some how I went from one extreme to the other, feeling useless and worthless to some how allowing myself to feel entitled. Both were drastically wrong. I am in no way worthless but I am in no way entitled. I have the opportunity to become so, but many years shall pass before I will ever truly be able to say I have earned that. For now I am Brittany. I am allowed to be, and should be Brittany. Whom ever that woman is.
Who Brittany is, I have no clue! Where she's been I am well aware of, but need to move on from. The mundane life I lived and person I was shall no longer linger within. I know where I am, lost as to how I got here and have yet to figure out where I am going. Now has come the time to Jump in! Scared to death, and with no parachute I take on this new opportunity to reach my full potential as a mother, and a woman. The path in front of me is dark, full of curiosities, and missteps. As I recall each of my previous falls as if they were yesterday, I remind myself I've always gotten back up, and this new chapter in my life may knock me to my knees, but nothing can break my soul again but myself. I suppose all I have truly learnt about myself with in the past few nights of solitude is I am a perfectly flawed, broken, hopeful and hopeless individual. I don't understand what I want or where I want I am headed but the determination to find out is slightly exciting. I no longer feel pain, I no longer feel happiness, I feel all there is left to feel, gravity. Although the undeniable love that still lingers, gives me hope sometimes when you have been stripped bare of all  you are and all you know, sometimes your left almost numb. It's not an evil, it's a survival tactic I believe all individuals have with in them to survive. We take every day in stride, one breathe, one step at a time. Where is may lead, we shall find out.
Yes I feel the urge to run, to hide from all I am forced to face. Yes I have lost all I built over 27 years. Yes I have lost my everyday life with my children, I have lost what I believed was love. Yes I am lost, and have broken so much that has meant so much to me. But I am in no way done. This fight shall continue and although I may not win, I will know that I fought. As I always have with dignity and with faith. Some will judge, some will have opinions and misinterpretations of all I speak and all I am. I will strive to hold my own, to keep my head above water even when I am drowning and more importantly to figure out who I am again. I have allowed to many people for to long feel they had the right to decide whom I was and what I was capable of, It's time for me to take back control. To make my own decisions, to choose my own life and my own fate. I am more than a woman, a daughter, a mother, a friend, and certainly more than the world's stepping stone. Who that is remains to be seen. It shall either be beautiful or terrifying, but either way it will be true.