Sometimes.....

Somehow my thoughts are twisted. My mind’s gone astray. My life’s a mess and I can never get it just right. As soon as I can see the top, I fall. I love those around me to easy, and cut them off to quickly. I am indecisive, loud, crazy, and faithful (even when I shouldn’t be), I am determined and uncertain all at once. I am all you would considered a flawed person to be. I am damaged but too strong to admit it, and to stubborn to admit when I want or need something.

                Here I am fixing all that’s wrong, and once again afraid to jump in. My friends, my family think I am such a strong individual despite my past, unfortunately their unaware I still make decisions that lead me down the wrong path’s, I still can’t make up my mind. Night’s alone I cry, I pray to god I’ll find my way and find something that will lead me back to myself. I am still very much broken, still very much unaware what the future brings for me. The only small piece of my heart that gives me confidence is despite adversity or pain, I push forward.

                The truth is I suffer from many sheltered, painful health issues, I can’t yet cope with. I am fighting now to overcome them. However to go public with it all is still too much for me. I have yet to even let close friends know. Will I overcome them….yes. Will I be the same afterwards, hardly, I’ll be better. However in the meantime it leaves me cut off from a lot of parts of making a new life, and it leaves me cut off from those I truly care about. In 9 day’s I officially enter the new stage of my life, I let go of the pain, the health issues, the past and start a new me. To be completely honest, it’s fucking terrifying! I am not sure who I am without the problems, without the drama, and without the need to ask for permission to take care of myself first.

                   For months now, since I’ve arrived in Canada, I knew I was leaving my heart behind, as I had to leave my kids in Florida, and  get it all together before I could have my kids come up. No actually let’s be honest, I have made so many mistakes, I needed to earn the right to have them come with me! Prove I wouldn’t put other’s first and prove I could do this on my own. Which heaven knows is not easy. But we give it all and see what we can make of it. For those who have never done it, leaving you children behind, with no goodbyes, no hugs, no words is the most excruciating feeling you shall ever feel. It would be much easier to stop breathing. You have to learn to live numb to pain, happiness, and everything in between. You have to learn to cope with complete emptiness and helplessness. The only way I have ever been able to describe it, is imagine gasping for breath in a room with no air, imagine life after death Imagine seeing your future crumble beneath you. Many have asked why I don’t cover my walls in photos, why I don’t post about them every day on facebook, why I don’t consistently talk about them. Here’s the answer you’ve been waiting for, and that I’ve been waiting to find myself It so damn painful. Could you imagine waking up every day and stabbing yourself in the heart? Have you ever imagined what it would be like to re live death every day? Because that’s the only equivalent I can give you. I feel so much pain ad guilt and pain over leaving them, I can’t even recognize when I am crying for them, until someone point’s it out. I spend every minute wishing for the re unification with them, or death. Because living in between is like living at death’s door.

 

Another realization through the past week, I don’t think I just left my kids and my heart behind. I think I left the person I was always meant to be with behind. Which is not half as panful though! So that Is one thing I can deal with, just coping with the fact that he doesn’t know. Life’s hard to comprehend sometimes you never see the ones you , until their gone. Sometimes you never appreciate their position in your life, or their worth until their gone. Hell, sometimes we don’t even realize we still care about that person until their no longer an option.  

 

He’s perfectly flawed, and doesn’t even realize I see the flaws and find beauty within them. He certainly has never realized I might be the perfect person for him, although I believe he deserves so much more. There’s a reason why neither one of us can make shit work with someone else, why we keep coming back to each other. Nothing makes sense until he say’s it, nothing seems right until I share it with him, it must mean something! Life has always continued on, Life will function without him, but for some reason every day, every night, all I want is to take care of him. I refuse to because I know I am in a position to only focus on me. The minute I focus on anything or anyone else. I FAIL. Maybe he’ll never see me, see us as what we could be, and maybe I never want us to. I want to scream at him, want to make it clear, no one will ever be as flawed as me, but no one will ever make sure he is, and can be all he wants to be but me!  It’s a sad reality but it’s true, and the truth is, I’ll never be the one to go there. Life’s too painful to take more disappointment.

So here we are today, 27, broken, lost, and trying to find my way, in between business deals, lifelong decisions, going back to school, trying to become an officer of the law, YES A COP! Acting and modeling.  I am trying to write again although my fear and my pain have got me blocked from so much of my natural talent and expression. The fact of the matter is no matter what comes in between I want to learn who I am and want to learn how to live life. Are you ready too? BECAUSE IT’S TIME!!!! JUMP IN WITH ME! We’ll see where it leads, but at least we can say we tried, even if the worst happens we will never have to live with the agony of regret!

                Maybe love works out, maybe fate deals us the right cards, maybe we’ll make it big, who knows! However  we’ll have the satisfaction and pride in knowing we tried!

Best regards, and all the blessing’s I have,